Thursday, July 8, 2010

Sarcastic!Zillah Responds to Dating Rules

I was tidying up my "Works-In-Progress" folder on my laptop this afternoon when I found a list of extremely sarcastic responses I'd made to a list of general dating rules I read on a website. I hope you find these responses as funny as I sometimes do. :)

(My responses are in bolded italic text.)


Found via a comment at

Lampooned while listening to "Breaking All the Rules" by She Moves.

General Dating Rules
• Always look great, whatever your income. Gorgeous hair and some lipstick with rags will still turn his head. You have the advantage. You are the woman. Look your best as you could meet a potential Mr. Right anywhere at any time.
Remember: a successful man-hunt hinges entirely on whether you have the time and the money to invest in a hairstyle you don't necessarily like and makeup that you may or may not like to wear. Also, lesbians and bisexual women do not exist.

• Never reveal information you don't have to. An enigmatic woman drives men wild.
If you can manage it, don't even tell him your name! And we all know that the way to a man's heart is to drive him insane with your unavailability.

• Keep dates brief, but your men interested. Less is always more.
In Regency England, a proper visit was only fifteen minutes long. Let's face it, you're probably so boring that you'll run out of things to talk about after that much time on an actual date, even if the two of you talked for hours on end before you started dating.

• Try and stay in shape and involve some fitness regime at a gym. However much you hate it, your Mr. Right loves your body as much as your mind.
But he'll only love your body if it's thin. Fat women need not apply! If you're fat, he doesn't really love you. So get thin, fatass, or you'll never get a man.

• Let your man pay. If he is interested, he is interested enough to ensure you eat well and get home safely in a cab.
'Cuz it's all about the money, honey! If he wants to hang around with a classy dame like you, he has to pay for the privilege.

• Ensure you receive flowers. If he doesn't know what a florist is, dump him.
Yes, even if you really like him and you absolutely hate flowers that smell of formaldehyde, were far too expensive to procure and cause your allergies to flare up. The most stable relationship in the world isn't worth it if he won't give you overpriced plant matter.

• Never ever sleep with a guy until he has fallen for you. Sex early in your dating game plan will ruin everything.
Because he only wants sex, not love. And you only want love, not sex. You're a woman. What else did you expect? Besides, he'll never marry you unless you refuse to put out before there's a ring on your finger, and you KNOW that a wedding ring is really a woman's only ambition in life, unless she also wants lots and lots of babies!!!

• Always keep a guy waiting and never turn up early. It is a lady's perogative.
Not only do you have carte blanche to be inconsiderate, but you don't even have to know how to spell "prerogative". Is that a new kind of perogy? Because I could really do with some cabbage rolls, perogies and sour cream for supper tonight. Mmm!

• Never be available when he wants you to be. Never be at the end of a phone when he calls and always let him leave a message or two first before replying.
Phone tag is SUCH a wonderful kind of foreplay for the sex you're not going to have with him.

• If he is available Tuesday, you are available Thursday.
See? You don't actually have to go out on dates with people to say you're dating them.

• Weekend shopping trips with girlfriends are sacred and not available for dates.
SHOPPING!!!!!!!!!!!! That's all we women ever do with each other!

• Keep your man standing on quicksand by shifting landmarks and goalposts constantly.
Carelessly-mixed metaphors, while worthy of a lengthy jail sentence, are a must. Don't forget to take the bull by the horns and hit him out of the ballpark with your cheap sunglasses. But make sure they look expensive, even if they weren't. The path to a man's heart is being completely emotionally and physically unavailable to him, and looking high-maintenance and constantly changing the rules of your relationship while maintaining a certain sense of class is absolutely vital.

• Ensure you are a good kisser. Men will walk away if you cannot kiss. Practice on a mirror if you have to.
Yum, shiny glass! Makey-outy time is so much fun when your partner is a cold, flat and two-dimensional representation of yourself. Which is what you want your man to be kissing anyway, because real women with real troubles, real lives and real depth are too much for the Fragile Male Ego and Fragile Masculinity to deal with on a regular basis.

• Never ever talk about previous boyfriends, particularly their prowess in the bedroom. Your ex-boyfriends are your business only.
So if you've got a child from a previous relationship, make sure that your new man never meets the kid, because that would mean that he'll find out that you've been with someone else before. The male ego is SOOO fragile and needs to be pandered to at all times.

• Never assume anything about your date until you choose to know him better. You cannot always tell by looking.
"Choose to know him better". No effort required—just choice.

• If any man shows the slightest signs of possessiveness or insecurity, run like the wind. Life is too short for boys.
If you're a grown woman, why the hell are you dating boys, anyway? And how DARE he have any insecurities—you're the woman, that's your territory.

• If his shoes or hygiene are a disgrace, dump him.
Because if his shoes are anything less than perfect, he'll probably forget to buy you those flowers you don't like.

• Never talk too much about your father and how your date measures up in comparison.
Because women always talk about their daddy issues to the exclusion of everything else except for shopping and hair and makeup and all those other girly things.

• Never ever come across as too available or too desperate. He will run a mile. He is the one doing the chasing.
Men are hunters. You're the prey. Got it? Just be distant and unavailable and he'll probably dump you anyway, but at least you won't have looked desperate.

• If the guy in the corner is gorgeous, go get him and create the need in him for you. Never wait for men to come to you because you may watch him leave with someone else.
Who cares about substance when you can go after a total hunk? Snap him up if you can. Even though he's supposed to be the one doing the chasing, you have to catch him before he'll chase you. Men are like dogs chasing their own tails that way. Arf!

• You may well have all the bodily functions of a man, just try not to demonstrate them early on.
Even if the meal you just ate together is doing some odd things to your digestive system, pretend it isn't happening. Explosive gas will turn him right off, but if you're lucky you can blame it on somebody else.

• If you want a child, don't mention it on the first few dates.
And admit it, you want a child. If you don't, you're not a woman. If he actually asks about whether you want children, divert him with another question which will permit him the opportunity to mansplain something you already understand in great detail. Men are fascinating. Just soak up all the testosterone-induced wisdom and shut up, will you?

• Never ever criticize his mother unless you want to remain single.
"Why didn't you eat your steak? Mom went to all that trouble to make it for you, and you didn't even give it a try!"I didn't eat the steak your mother gave me because she dropped it on the floor and didn't even bother to wash it off before she put it on my plate. Besides, you know I'm a vegetarian!" "HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY MOTHER LIKE THAT! WE'RE THROUGH, YOU CALLOUS BITCH!"

Oh, and being single sucks. Why? Because…er, because we say so!

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