I find it worrying because I'm still capable of falling that far, that fast. Admittedly, I was unusually tired at the time; until yesterday, for the last several months, there had not been a single day in which I have not had to get up, get going, and keep going because so many things needed my attention. I was having trouble sleeping. (I don't think that it's entirely coincidental that, after having given myself permission to rest from about Friday afternoon until Saturday afternoon, then running a few errands that weren't all that horrible, and then having dinner and watching most of "The Fellowship of the Ring" with a close friend in the evening, I finally feel at peace and even somewhat refreshed.) And the argument that I had on the day when I last wrote here was with someone I love; I always end up feeling the most hurt when I feel as if someone I love unconditionally only loves me conditionally, which strikes me as not being "love" as much as it is "fertile grounds for rejection," and that's precisely how I felt when we argued.
Come to think of it, that sounds an awful lot like one of the major reasons why I've never had a girlfriend or boyfriend.
And yet, I am not actually terrified by the way that I was feeling the last time I posted anything here. No matter how bad I get, I doubt that I'll ever seriously harm myself. The temptation to hit myself may exist, but I'm capable of fighting it. And I don't ever get suicidal anymore, regardless of how overwhelmed I sometimes am by negative feelings. Even when I did feel suicidal, which last happened a couple of years ago, I was never actively so; I never made plans, never acted on the feelings, only ever had a feeling of "I should remove myself from the human race because I am a hopeless, useless, superfluous drain on resources with nothing to offer the world, so I hope something happens that will erase my existence from this planet because I don't deserve to be here." That feeling hasn't come along in years now, and for that, I am thankful. I also believe that if it ever does come back, I will know how to fight it.
The thing is, my life has significantly changed since the last time the suicidal feelings happened; among other things, I now have a small and trustworthy circle of close friends. (My social life wasn't precisely nonexistent before 2011, but I mostly just had acquaintances and somewhat distant friends, and didn't feel inclined to bother the one really close friend I had at the time because she was working as a teacher in Korea and I felt that she had more important things to deal with than my petty insecurities and worries. And yes, I now realize that was silly.) And though I don't tell my friends everything, I trust them to be as supportive of me as I have tried to be supportive of them. Thus far, my trust and my love (and yes, I love these people) have not been proven to be misplaced. I believe they will not be.
So. I'm fine, for the time being, at least. And I'm looking forward to singing at church this morning and then taking a long walk somewhere this afternoon, because the sun is shining, the snow looks absolutely glorious, and on days like this, I am not just grateful to be alive—I absolutely love it.
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