Sunday, June 6, 2010

Top Ten Ridiculous Stereotypes About Women

I don't read chick lit very often, and I think I just remembered why. Today I've been reading a book that's so bad it's hilarious, but it's also sad in many ways because the main female character adheres to so many ridiculous stereotypes about women—nearly every one that's on the list that follows, actually. Not being the sort to pass up a chance to be sarcastic about something that irritates me, I decided that I just had to write about it. So, without further ado, I present:

Zillah's Top Ten List of Ridiculous Stereotypes About Women

1. OMG! SHOPPING!!! Women love shopping! Especially shopping for clothes, shoes and accessories! Women are frivolous! Women who don't like shopping are unfeminine! And there's nothing worse that you can call a woman than unfeminine, except maybe ugly, fat, or a bitch. But all those things are marks of unfemininity anyway, so it's still the same thing.

2. Must...have...children! Women live to reproduce. Babies are cute. None of us could possibly want anything more than a big brood of children. If a woman doesn't like kids, doesn't think she'd be a fit mother for kids, would face dangerous mental or physical problems if she had kids, can't have kids or doesn't want kids for any other reason, she's unfeminine.

3. Must...get...married! Because nothing defines a woman more completely than the man she marries. He'd better be sexy and rich. And her? She's worthless without a wedding ring (preferably gold or platinum, and paired with an engagement ring featuring a ridiculously big diamond.) And she had better marry a man. Lesbians are gross, unless of course they're kissing and petting each other for a heterosexual man's pleasure. Anyway, women want nothing more than to be married—except to have lots and lots of babies. They're all out to trap men into marriage. And when you get married to a woman, you'll be miserable. That's what wives are for, apparently—to trick men into marriage, nag them TO DEATH (How dare they expect a Busy Important Man to help out around the home? That's women's work!), and make them have kids.

4. Women only want to read about men, shopping, dating, makeup, kids, clothing, dieting, cooking, celebrities and sex—though not necessarily in that order. Therefore, women's magazines must reflect this. Women who find these subjects uninspiring, or who actually like to read about something else, are unnatural unfeminine freaks.

5. Mice are terrifying. They're tiny, squeaky creatures that may or may not carry disease—or is that rats? Whatever. Women are terrified of mice, regardless of any actual threat they may or may not pose.

6. Women hate other women. If a woman sees a woman who's thinner, prettier, more fashionably dressed, has more kids or is "better" in any other way than she herself is, you'd better believe there's going to be a catfight sooner rather than later. Oh, and women don't really have friends, just rival women who they shop with and do rotten things to behind their backs.

7. Women suck at math, science and computers. 2+2=7689766587658! The Periodic Table of Elements is something women eat off of when they're on the rag! And computers are scary. They're complex and you need way more intelligence than any woman could have just to turn them on and type a simple shopping list. And you use mice with them! EEK!!!

8. Women turn into total bitches when—and just before—they're menstruating. Any man who's anywhere near a menstruating woman had better put on a full suit of armour and prepare to shut up, because the slightest comment can be met with tears and/or homicidal rage. But it's really just an excuse to be all bitchy and stuff, because menstrual difficulties are just all in women's heads, and that means they're not real. They just mean that women hate being women, and it has nothing to do with mind-numbingly painful cramps, blood loss, nausea, headaches, constipation, diarrhea, or painfully tender breasts (that, coincidentally, have to be stuffed into a brassiere so they can be moulded into a shape that straight men find pleasing to the eye).

9. Women are over-emotional and will cry, scream or just plain fly off the handle without any prior notice. Women are scared of everything, so they need men to protect them. Anytime a woman gets angry, she's really just being a bitch. It's not important. She's just being a hysterical woman; she's probably menstruating. So logically—and you can Logic Real Good because you're a Man—you've got to know at least one woman who's menstruating all the time. Gross.

10. Women are simultaneously sly, cunning and conniving creatures who will do whatever it takes to get the Man Of Their Dreams, and too stupid to function in the world without the guidance of a man, because men instinctively know everything and are entitled to express their opinions about everything no matter how little they really know about it, and women must shut their pretty little mouths and listen to the Wise All-Powerful Oz MAN. Women exist to be ornaments. But they're sly, cunning, conniving and stupid ornaments. And this is in no way an oxymoron.

Isn't it nice that women are so well thought of these days?

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